Anyone who’s ever watched Animal Planet knows the world of Bigfoot hunting (aka “Squatchin’ ”) is a very weird world indeed. All Bigfoot believers are chasing an imaginary monster, and for every one for them who treats the subject with gravitas, you have 10 nutcases with completely crazy theories.
10. Bigfoot Is Actually A Ground Sloth
Most Bigfoot believers assume Sasquatch is some sort of hominid. After all, he supposedly walks around on two legs, has primate-like arms, and even possesses a humanish face. Of course, there’s always the possibility he’s actually an extinct ground sloth that evolved to look like an ape. According to one far-out theory, Bigfoot might actually be a member of the superorder Xenarthra, which would make him related to anteaters and armadillos.
This theory may not be based on evidence, but it is based on lack of evidence. For example, sloths have internal testicles. No one has reported seeing Bigfoot’s balls. Uncanny, eh? Similarly, sloths digest food slowly. It might take anywhere from one to three weeks for food to pass through a sloth’s guts. Perhaps that’s why we’ve never found the remains of a Bigfoot meal: Since he has a sloth gut, Bigfoot can go weeks without food.
The real nail in this crypto-coffin is the infamous Patterson-Gimlin film above. When you watch the video, pay special attention to how slowly Bigfoot moves. Why isn’t it running at breakneck speed to escape the backwoods paparazzi, you ask? Well, because it’s a slow sloth, naturally.